In a trend that’s leaving families devastated, an increasing number of adult children are choosing to cut off contact with their parents entirely. This painful phenomenon, known as estrangement, is estimated to affect one in five families according to research by the charity Stand Alone. The aftermath leaves parents bewildered, heartbroken, and grappling with the question: What went wrong?
The Roots of Estrangement
The reasons adult children cite for going “no contact” are varied and complex. In some cases, it stems from a history of abuse, addiction, or severe mental health issues within the family. But in others, the parents are left blindsided, believing they did their best.
“People seem to think that hashtags on social media create estrangement,” says Becca Bland, founder of Stand Alone. “But in the 12 or 13 years I’ve worked on this, I’ve never met someone who hasn’t had an extremely good reason to consider it.“
A Generational Divide
Psychologist Joshua Coleman, who specializes in family estrangement, points to a broader clash between generations with different expectations of relationships. Younger generations, he argues, increasingly see family ties as conditional.
“It’s a tectonic shift in the way we organize family relationships and a lot of parents haven’t really gotten the memo yet.”
– Joshua Coleman, Psychologist
Coleman notes that definitions of abuse have expanded, leaving many parents baffled when accused of “narcissism” or “emotional abuse” for parenting styles that were once commonplace.
The Fallout for Families
For parents on the receiving end, the pain is immense. “It feels like a bereavement,” shares Caroline, a mother whose adult daughter cut contact. “I go over and over it in my head and beat myself up wondering why my daughter won’t see me.“
Estrangement can also pit family members against each other, as relatives struggle to understand the rift. Lauren, who ceased contact with her father, faced outrage from extended family who found it easier to blame her than acknowledge his abusive behavior.
The Road to Reconciliation
While some estrangements may be unavoidable, experts suggest taking steps before cutting ties entirely:
- Clearly communicate boundaries and expectations
- Consider family therapy or mediation
- Be open to a limited or “low contact” relationship
For parents hoping to reconcile, Coleman advises listening with empathy and taking responsibility where needed – even if they disagree with their child’s perspective.
“The natural reaction is to fight strongly against it. But that’s often the thing that can turn your child even further against you, because when you start blaming, defending, criticizing or guilt-tripping, none of those are going to work in your favor.”
– Joshua Coleman, Psychologist
Living with Loss
For many, estrangement is an ongoing grieving process – mourning the loss of not just the actual parent or child, but the relationship they longed for. As Pippa, who cut contact with her father, explains:
“You think about them every day. It’s not like they’re gone – every single day they’re on your mind, and that’s the weird thing. They’re not in your physical space but they’re still in your headspace.“
While family estrangement is undoubtedly on the rise, it remains cloaked in secrecy and shame. By shedding light on this painful phenomenon, perhaps more families can find understanding and paths to healing.
