In a hilariously candid excerpt from her upcoming book “Hexy Bitch: Tales from My Life, the Afterlife, and Beyond,” acclaimed British comedienne Daisy May Cooper, best known as the co-creator and star of the hit mockumentary series “This Country,” recounts her outlandish attempt to have a romantic encounter with a ghost. The revelations, equal parts sidesplitting and spooky, offer a glimpse into Cooper’s fascination with the paranormal and her willingness to go to great lengths for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
A Lifelong Fascination with the Paranormal
Cooper’s interest in the otherworldly began at a young age, fueled by her mother’s warnings that her deceased grandmother, Granny Bertie, was always watching over her. As she grew older, Cooper’s preoccupation with ghosts shifted from dread to intrigue, especially after learning about the practice of ghost marriages in China and the surprising legality of marrying the dead in France.
Decades later, my preoccupation with the paranormal shifted from horror at the possibility of being observed by ghosts to excitement at the prospect of dating one.
Daisy May Cooper, “Hexy Bitch: Tales from My Life, the Afterlife, and Beyond”
Preparing for a Paranormal Paramour
Determined to have her own ghostly encounter, Cooper set about creating the perfect atmosphere for a mid-afternoon rendezvous with a spirit. She lit candles, listened to romantic music, and even considered what to wear to entice her otherworldly lover. After some deliberation, she settled on a casual outfit, reasoning that a ghost could undress her any way it wanted.
Cooper then lay down and attempted to summon her ideal ghost, initially envisioning a Viking before realizing that might be too intense. She finally settled on the spirit of a Victorian gentleman, complete with sideburns “the size of a small rodent.” As she closed her eyes and began chanting, Cooper felt a tingle on her foot, which she briefly mistook for a ghostly caress before realizing it was just the spot where she had recently applied wart remover.
A Disappointing Denouement
Despite her best efforts, Cooper’s attempted tryst with a ghost ultimately proved fruitless. After lying in wait for her spectral suitor for some time, she was eventually forced to abandon her mission to answer the call of nature. As she sat on the toilet, Cooper couldn’t help but feel a “weighty pang of rejection” at the realization that not even a ghost wanted to be intimate with her.
Jesus … not even a ghost wants to fuck me.
Daisy May Cooper, “Hexy Bitch: Tales from My Life, the Afterlife, and Beyond”
Cooper’s uproarious account of her failed attempt at spectrophilia serves as a testament to her fearless comedic spirit and willingness to mine even the most embarrassing moments of her life for laughs. It also highlights the enduring fascination with the paranormal that has captivated humans for centuries, from ancient ghost marriage rituals to modern-day tales of spectral seduction.
While Cooper may not have succeeded in her quest to bed a ghost, her story is sure to leave readers in stitches and perhaps even inspire a few brave souls to embark on their own paranormal adventures. Just remember: if you do manage to summon a spirit for a romantic rendezvous, make sure to use the bathroom first.
