In a poignant and unflinchingly honest diary, philosopher and avid climber Paul Sagar shares his struggle to come to terms with life-altering injuries sustained in a catastrophic climbing accident. The 20-meter fall in Glencoe, Scotland left the 37-year-old academic paralyzed from the collarbones down, with only limited use of his hands.
Sagar’s entries, spanning 16 months, paint a raw and often heartbreaking picture of his journey to adapt to his new reality as a tetraplegic. From the initial shock and disbelief upon waking in the hospital, to the grueling daily challenges of rehab and the emotional toll of letting go of his former life, Sagar holds nothing back.
Mourning a Lost Identity
The entries reveal the depth of Sagar’s grief as he mourns the active, independent life he once led. An accomplished climber, he struggles to reconcile his new limitations with the adventurous spirit that once defined him.
Somebody died that day, and somebody different survived. I am the survivor, playing the role once held by a dead man.
Paul Sagar, reflecting on his post-accident identity
The loss of his climbing pursuits hits especially hard. Sagar writes of the “indescribable world of adventure” that gave his life meaning, serving as an antidote to the mental health challenges his academic career made him vulnerable to.
Confronting a New Reality
As he progresses through rehab, Sagar must confront the painful realities of his new existence. From the humiliation of total dependence on others for basic needs, to the unrelenting boredom that comes with a life stripped of former passions, he grapples with finding purpose in a radically different world.
I don’t want to be a better-than-expected tetraplegic. I want to be an able-bodied man with his life back. And the fact this is impossible doesn’t stop me wanting it.
Sagar, on the struggle to accept his paralysis
He speaks candidly of the toll this takes on his mental health, confessing to applying for assisted suicide through Dignitas as a way to reclaim some sense of control. “I am so tired of feeling completely trapped, forced to stay alive by other people,” he writes.
Glimmers of Hope
Yet even in his darkest moments, Sagar clings to fragile threads of hope. He follows research into spinal cord injury treatments, riding waves of optimism that crash against the shores of his new reality.
As the saying goes, it’s the hope that kills you. My hope is a curse. I need it to die. I need to accept.
Sagar, on the double-edged nature of hope
With searing self-awareness, he recognizes that true healing lies in accepting his altered circumstances and finding joy and meaning within them. It’s a monumental task, but one he knows he must undertake.
A Story of Resilience
Sagar’s diary serves as both a deeply personal testament to the challenges of life-altering disability, and a universally resonant exploration of grief, identity, and the search for purpose. His willingness to lay bare his struggles invites readers to share in his pain, but also to draw inspiration from his resilience.
As he navigates this uncharted territory, Sagar’s story stands as proof of the human capacity to adapt and find light in even the deepest darkness. Though his path forward remains uncertain, his commitment to forging ahead serves as a reminder of the indomitable nature of the human spirit.
